It might
sound strange, or even offensive to some, but a term I've used to describe
myself many times is 'low key mental'. Honestly, all I mean is I'm classed as a
'high functioning borderline', I'm not a serial hospital stayer, for the most
part I can keep my self harm urges under control, I sleep well, I can maintain
friendships (mostly). Of course, I'm not working, and am currently relying on
ESA (Employment Support Allowance) and am terrible at relationships so in that
respect I guess you could say I'm not all that high functioning, but for the
most part I am.
In the
time since being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder 2 and a half
years ago I have been allocated three different psychiatrists, much to my
dismay. "Is it me that drives them away from their job?" "Am I
really that awful?" Obviously I know that’s not the reasons I've been
passed from pillar to post, but irrational me likes to pipe up and say
"Hey, you're an awful person!" once or twice a day and its hard not to believe that when it's all you hear some days.
A post from my personal Instagram a few days after the appointment |
I'm
bringing this up because I want to talk about something my new psychiatrist
said to me on our first meeting a couple of weeks ago. Her words were
"you're high functioning so I don’t want to assign you a CPN (Community
Psychiatric Nurse) or a Care Coordinator." When she first said this to me
I agreed, of course I don't need these things, I've managed on my own until now
and there's no reason why I still can't. But on reflection, I felt more and
more upset and a little angry by this, not because I feel like I'm entitled to
this help, but why is it that just because I'm high functioning does that mean
that I don't need support? This means that I am completely alone with no
support offered (apart from a crisis line that is in my experience and opinion
beyond useless) between appointments, which with my psychiatrist can be
anything from between 3 and 6 months apart. I don't start my new group therapy
course for a number of months due to long waiting lists, but hey, I can
occasionally get dressed and leave the house so obviously I'll be just fine!
She also
suggested getting a job. This is a controversial one, because I know getting
myself a job and getting back out there will be beneficial to me in the long
run, but right now I can't guarantee that I'll mentally be able to get up and
go to work everyday, which will cause me a lot of stress as I can't stand to
let people down. Honestly, at that point I felt a bit attacked, like I was
being looked down upon for not working, or not being able to work. I'll tell
you now, I HATE being on benefits, I feel like a cheat and a fake. I would love
to be able to hold down a full time job and start my career like every other
person my age is doing, but unfortunately its just not that simple.
I have
often felt discriminated against by professionals and mentally ill people alike
for not being 'ill enough' which sounds crazy, but it happens and its not okay.
People will say "how can you perform when you suffer from anxiety? Surely
you're not that bad" or "you look great, I'm so happy to see you
turning a corner". They don't realise that performing is what keeps me
sane and grounded, some people with anxiety issues go out partying every
weekend without a question but would be terrified by the idea of standing on a
stage, but just because for me it’s the opposite it comes with a lot of
judgement. Similarly, I might have put my best makeup on and my best clothes
because I felt like feeling pretty that day, that doesn't mean I'm suddenly
cured and it certainly doesn’t mean I'm 'not ill enough' to get the help I
deserve.
I feel
like this post has became a bit of a pity party, I totally didn’t mean it come
across that way, but its something I've had to face for a long time and its
something that isn't really talked about. We shouldn’t have to strive to be
incompetent enough to get help, if anything, in my eyes the people who make the
effort to help themselves deserve it more (not that those who are low
functioning don’t deserve help because they 100% do) because they are willing
to put in the work and use the sparse NHS resources in an effective way.
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