Saturday, 22 July 2017

I Need Reassurance

There's something you need to know about me, I need constant reassurance. I might ask you multiple times a day if you or someone else likes me or if I've upset you or made you uncomfortable. I can't help it, and I am sorry.

I understand this must be a highly frustrating thing for you, as my friend. You might be confused as to why I keep asking you over and over, "please tell me I've not upset you" "do you promise you don’t hate me?". Its frustrating for me too! To have that almost constant fear that I've upset someone I care about, when most of the time I cant even come up with a reason why, is exhausting.
It might be because you don't text me back as soon as I expect you to, it might be because we've not spoken in a few days, or it might just be as simple as I'm feeling a little insecure that day.

Its not just friendships and relationships I need reassurance of, its myself too. You might hear me say "I'm not good enough" or I might belittle my own emotions or actions, and I promise you I'm not fishing for compliments here, I do genuinely feel these things. You might get tired of telling me "you are enough" or "that thing you just did was really good" when I'm struggling to believe you, but please don’t give up on me. Every time you reassure me it helps me see a little clearer, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.
I am hard work, I know. Who would want a friend that needs constant reassurance and someone to constantly be telling them all the good things about them? But I appreciate those that have the patience to do so. I really do.

BPD is such a complicated disorder for even me to understand and I live with it everyday, I don’t expect anyone else to understand, but I am glad when you try. Its easy to say "I'm here for you", "I understand", but it takes a really special person and friend to take the time to actually be there for you, even if to you it sounds totally neurotic and insane.