*TRIGGER WARNING* - discussion of self harm
Arguably
the most taboo symptom of mental illness, self harm is very real and can be
very dangerous if it gets out of hand. This is not something I enjoy talking
about or addressing but someone has to.
I had my
first experience of self harm when I was 16, I was in a bad place and I wasn’t
even sure what I was doing. I don’t think I expected it to help in any way, and
I don’t think it actually did to begin with, it was just something I did. It
wasn’t long before it became a part of my daily routine, and suddenly without
realising it became an addiction. I'm embarrassed to say it was something I did
once, twice, sometimes three times a day - whenever I could get the chance. It
got to the point where I was sneaking off from class to the toilets to do it,
it was already getting way out of control.
For the
next few years I dealt with it most days. I would go through 'phases', there
would be months when I wouldn't do it even once, and then in the next month it
would be every day. I could never explain that.
There was
a point when it was very minimal, I would even have considered myself as a
'recovered self harmer' (I hate the terms 'recovered' and 'self harmer' but I
don't know how else to describe it). Of course, like any addiction there were
urges that were for the most part kept under control, and of course the odd
slip up every so often, but I was proud and even almost scar free.
As I
spoke about in my last post, it was when I moved to university that the habit
crept back in and I was entering the cycle again. It was a few months after
leaving university that I had to take myself to A&E due to self harm, from
then on the cuts were becoming more severe and a few times since then I have
received stitches and been glued up, which I am so ashamed of.
As for
now, its still something I struggle with and is very much a huge part of my
life, but I feel like I'm getting better at using the energy in other ways. I'm
doing my best to move on from this part of my life and hope that one day I will
look back and be proud of myself for overcoming it.
Self harm
is nothing to be ashamed of, and no one should be afraid to talk about it. It’s
a tricky subject, I agree, but the more we talk about it the less stigma there
will be. People who self harm are often called names like 'emo' or 'attention
seeker' by people who just simply don't understand, it is also a common
misunderstanding that only young girls self harm. Men, women, boys, girls,
adults, teenagers, children, mums and dads, anyone can be affected, and
everyone deserves respect and people to realise that it IS real and that they
can be helped. People who suffer in this way aren't 'freaks', they have just
reached a brick wall in their life and have resorted to hurting themselves to
get by which is so sad.
One day I
would hope that we can be open and honest about these kinds of issues without
even a second thought, but for now, all we can do is keep talking about them
and helping so many people know that they are not alone.
