I Need Reassurance

There's something you need to know about me, I need constant reassurance. I might ask you multiple times a day if you or someone else likes me or if I've upset you or made you uncomfortable. I can't help it, and I am sorry.

I understand this must be a highly frustrating thing for you, as my friend. You might be confused as to why I keep asking you over and over, "please tell me I've not upset you" "do you promise you don’t hate me?". Its frustrating for me too! To have that almost constant fear that I've upset someone I care about, when most of the time I cant even come up with a reason why, is exhausting.

It might be because you don't text me back as soon as I expect you to, it might be because we've not spoken in a few days, or it might just be as simple as I'm feeling a little insecure that day.

Its not just friendships and relationships I need reassurance of, its myself too. You might hear me say "I'm not good enough" or I might belittle my own emotions or actions, and I promise you I'm not fishing for compliments here, I do genuinely feel these things. You might get tired of telling me "you are enough" or "that thing you just did was really good" when I'm struggling to believe you, but please don’t give up on me. Every time you reassure me it helps me see a little clearer, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.

I am hard work, I know. Who would want a friend that needs constant reassurance and someone to constantly be telling them all the good things about them? But I appreciate those that have the patience to do so. I really do.

BPD is such a complicated disorder for even me to understand and I live with it everyday, I don’t expect anyone else to understand, but I am glad when you try. Its easy to say "I'm here for you", "I understand", but it takes a really special person and friend to take the time to actually be there for you, even if to you it sounds totally neurotic and insane.

11/04/2017

I am very disconnected tonight. Nothing feels quite right and I'm not even sure who I am. I've not allowed myself to be sad, or angry, or lonely. I don't feel anything yet. If anything, I'm a little embarrassed. A lot embarrassed… I guess I'm waiting for the fall.

Tonight all its taken to turn me into a heap of uselessness is a slight change in routine. All its taken is one hour difference and I'm a blubbering mess questioning who I am and what is my purpose on the earth? Why am I the way I am and why am I a slave to my disorder?

I've used words like 'disposable' and 'stupid' a lot in the past few days to describe myself because when people around you only confirm everything you've been thinking about yourself there's nothing else to do other than accept it and live with the fact you are a toxic person. I'm angry, I'm manipulative, I'm full on, I'm too much, I'm not enough………. I KNOW!

When you feel SO much it only makes it harder when you lose something, I don’t think people can understand the extent of that. Everything I've felt and everything I will feel in the future is so strong I could burst. To burst with happiness only comes at a cost of breaking into a thousand pieces when you're sad, there's no in between and right now, at this point that I am writing this, there are a thousand pieces of me on the floor. Its going to take me a long time to pick them up, only to be scattered on the floor once again when I allow myself to feel these feelings. The highs never last as long as the lows.

I am so selfish for using the word 'lonely' to describe the way I feel. I have everything and everyone I need and I still don't have enough. Sometimes it’s the only word that comes to mind. Its exhausting trying to describe the way this disorder makes you feel, when you feel everything and nothing all at once.

Tonight is one of those nights when I don’t know how I will ever learn to live with this, it just seems too hard.

The most taboo symptom of mental illness?

*TRIGGER WARNING* - discussion of self harm 

Arguably the most taboo symptom of mental illness, self harm is very real and can be very dangerous if it gets out of hand. This is not something I enjoy talking about or addressing but someone has to.

I had my first experience of self harm when I was 16, I was in a bad place and I wasn’t even sure what I was doing. I don’t think I expected it to help in any way, and I don’t think it actually did to begin with, it was just something I did. It wasn’t long before it became a part of my daily routine, and suddenly without realising it became an addiction. I'm embarrassed to say it was something I did once, twice, sometimes three times a day - whenever I could get the chance. It got to the point where I was sneaking off from class to the toilets to do it, it was already getting way out of control.

For the next few years I dealt with it most days. I would go through 'phases', there would be months when I wouldn't do it even once, and then in the next month it would be every day. I could never explain that.

There was a point when it was very minimal, I would even have considered myself as a 'recovered self harmer' (I hate the terms 'recovered' and 'self harmer' but I don't know how else to describe it). Of course, like any addiction there were urges that were for the most part kept under control, and of course the odd slip up every so often, but I was proud and even almost scar free.

As I spoke about in my last post, it was when I moved to university that the habit crept back in and I was entering the cycle again. It was a few months after leaving university that I had to take myself to A&E due to self harm, from then on the cuts were becoming more severe and a few times since then I have received stitches and been glued up, which I am so ashamed of.

As for now, its still something I struggle with and is very much a huge part of my life, but I feel like I'm getting better at using the energy in other ways. I'm doing my best to move on from this part of my life and hope that one day I will look back and be proud of myself for overcoming it.

Self harm is nothing to be ashamed of, and no one should be afraid to talk about it. It’s a tricky subject, I agree, but the more we talk about it the less stigma there will be. People who self harm are often called names like 'emo' or 'attention seeker' by people who just simply don't understand, it is also a common misunderstanding that only young girls self harm. Men, women, boys, girls, adults, teenagers, children, mums and dads, anyone can be affected, and everyone deserves respect and people to realise that it IS real and that they can be helped. People who suffer in this way aren't 'freaks', they have just reached a brick wall in their life and have resorted to hurting themselves to get by which is so sad.

One day I would hope that we can be open and honest about these kinds of issues without even a second thought, but for now, all we can do is keep talking about them and helping so many people know that they are not alone.

Some helpful websites:

https://www.selfharm.co.uk/

https://www.childline.org.uk/

http://www.mind.org.uk/

http://www.harmless.org.uk/

Why I Dropped Out Of University

*Potential trigger warning: mention of self harm

University was always something I wanted to do, but I never felt it was right going straight from college, I couldn’t have imagined leaving home and being a real life adult at 18 years old so I took a few years out to save up some money, pass my driving test, and generally get some real adult life experience. At the end of 2013 I was working a full time job, feeling stable and relatively happy, I decided it was time for me to move on to the next chapter of my life.

I got accepted onto a Musical Theatre course in the spring of 2014, and by the September I found myself living in halls of residence with a bunch of people I didn’t know, in a city I had never been to before and back in education after 2 years away. I felt so empowered and I honestly thought this would be my saving grace, a chance to start again.

But reality began to hit me when the fun stopped and the work started piling up, I suddenly noticed I was becoming that stressed, anxiety ridden girl I was 2 years ago. I would sit at my desk for hours staring at a blank laptop screen willing myself to just TRY but I had no motivation, nothing would work. I started to get behind in the first couple of months and this just spiraled into a frenzy of panic and procrastination. I was feeling sub-par in my practical lessons too, began to doubt my abilities and would constantly ask myself "why am I here? I'm nowhere near talented enough". I would come home almost every weekend because I was so homesick, which on reflection was a bad move because it only made it worse when Sunday afternoon arrived and I had to go back there where I was so lonely.

It was around the beginning of December I really noticed a deterioration in my mental health. Nothing was fun, nothing was exciting. I found myself skipping lectures so I could be alone and I could self harm, which would then in turn prevent me from going to dance classes because I wasn’t able to bear my skin. I was self harming most days and nights not even thinking about it, it was routine. I constantly felt anxious and nauseous, it was like a never ending vicious circle that I couldn’t fight my way out of.

One Wednesday I had made the effort and dragged myself to tap class (the only class I really enjoyed), and within 20 minutes of the lesson I was running down the corridor, tapping with every step, and hid myself in the toilets in a fit of anxiety. I was terrified. It was by far one of the worst panic attacks I have had to this day. I spoke to my mum on the phone and she eventually encouraged me to go back into the class and get my bag to go back to the flat. My flatmate left class early as well to walk me home, I don’t think she knows how much I appreciated that help and reassurance.

I got into my room and I paced back and forth for a while until another of my flatmates came to see if I was OK, which of course I wasn’t and must have been a complete state to look at! I had decided I wanted to drive home that night because I couldn’t stay there any longer, but obviously my parents weren't convinced that was a good idea considering the state I was in. I couldn't care less, all I wanted was my home so I quickly packed a bag and ran down the stairs and before I knew it I was in my car en route to home. I got home at about 8:30pm and I thought as soon as I walked through the door I would feel calm, but I didn't. This attack lasted late into the night, probably a good 10 hours.

I stayed at home until the Sunday when I decided it was best I went back to uni as it was the last week before Christmas. I didn't make it to many lectures but at least I was there. I didn't sleep until about 7am most nights that week, I had so much to think about, can I handle this or do I leave? What happens if I leave? What if I can't get a job? What if I regret my decision?

During the Christmas break I had a lot of thinking to do, but mostly I was just glad to be at home for 2 weeks. I did go back after the break, but only for 3 days. It all started again the moment I got there, the anxiety, the stress, the loneliness, the sleepless nights. Finally, after 3 days of tears, self harming and no sleep I made the decision that this wasn't a healthy environment for me and it was time to go. I packed a bag and left that day without telling anyone, not even the university. I spent a few days deliberating what I would say to my course leader and plucking up the courage when I eventually did and just like that I had dropped out of university after only 3 months of being there. There was a huge sense of relief but also dread, what next?

Dad and I traveled back up there about a week later to pack all my stuff up and clear my room, I handed in my key and drove away, never looking back.

Since leaving university in January 2015 I still haven't worked, not even really completely got back on my feet. In the June of the same year I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and since then it has just been a mission to learn to live with what I've been dealt and its certainly not been an easy one.

I do not regret going to university at all, in fact I'm glad I did because if I hadn't tried it I would never know if it was for me, which clearly it isn't! I do have days when I look back and wonder 'what if?' What if I stayed and I was in my 3rd year now, would I have gotten through it or would I have been digging my own grave?

Handmade bracelets made by @recovery.is.worth.it.x
on Instagram

'Low Key Mental'

It might sound strange, or even offensive to some, but a term I've used to describe myself many times is 'low key mental'. Honestly, all I mean is I'm classed as a 'high functioning borderline', I'm not a serial hospital stayer, for the most part I can keep my self harm urges under control, I sleep well, I can maintain friendships (mostly). Of course, I'm not working, and am currently relying on ESA (Employment Support Allowance) and am terrible at relationships so in that respect I guess you could say I'm not all that high functioning, but for the most part I am.

In the time since being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder 2 and a half years ago I have been allocated three different psychiatrists, much to my dismay. "Is it me that drives them away from their job?" "Am I really that awful?" Obviously I know that’s not the reasons I've been passed from pillar to post, but irrational me likes to pipe up and say "Hey, you're an awful person!" once or twice a day and its hard not to believe that when it's all you hear some days.

A post from my personal Instagram a few days
after the appointment

I'm bringing this up because I want to talk about something my new psychiatrist said to me on our first meeting a couple of weeks ago. Her words were "you're high functioning so I don’t want to assign you a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) or a Care Coordinator." When she first said this to me I agreed, of course I don't need these things, I've managed on my own until now and there's no reason why I still can't. But on reflection, I felt more and more upset and a little angry by this, not because I feel like I'm entitled to this help, but why is it that just because I'm high functioning does that mean that I don't need support? This means that I am completely alone with no support offered (apart from a crisis line that is in my experience and opinion beyond useless) between appointments, which with my psychiatrist can be anything from between 3 and 6 months apart. I don't start my new group therapy course for a number of months due to long waiting lists, but hey, I can occasionally get dressed and leave the house so obviously I'll be just fine!

She also suggested getting a job. This is a controversial one, because I know getting myself a job and getting back out there will be beneficial to me in the long run, but right now I can't guarantee that I'll mentally be able to get up and go to work everyday, which will cause me a lot of stress as I can't stand to let people down. Honestly, at that point I felt a bit attacked, like I was being looked down upon for not working, or not being able to work. I'll tell you now, I HATE being on benefits, I feel like a cheat and a fake. I would love to be able to hold down a full time job and start my career like every other person my age is doing, but unfortunately its just not that simple.

I have often felt discriminated against by professionals and mentally ill people alike for not being 'ill enough' which sounds crazy, but it happens and its not okay. People will say "how can you perform when you suffer from anxiety? Surely you're not that bad" or "you look great, I'm so happy to see you turning a corner". They don't realise that performing is what keeps me sane and grounded, some people with anxiety issues go out partying every weekend without a question but would be terrified by the idea of standing on a stage, but just because for me it’s the opposite it comes with a lot of judgement. Similarly, I might have put my best makeup on and my best clothes because I felt like feeling pretty that day, that doesn't mean I'm suddenly cured and it certainly doesn’t mean I'm 'not ill enough' to get the help I deserve.

I feel like this post has became a bit of a pity party, I totally didn’t mean it come across that way, but its something I've had to face for a long time and its something that isn't really talked about. We shouldn’t have to strive to be incompetent enough to get help, if anything, in my eyes the people who make the effort to help themselves deserve it more (not that those who are low functioning don’t deserve help because they 100% do) because they are willing to put in the work and use the sparse NHS resources in an effective way.

It's not all bad

When we think of mental illness we often tend to get dragged down by the idea that its all bad. That’s not always the case, we are allowed to be happy sometimes, we love unconditionally, and we do even laugh (I know, crazy right?!). Disorders like BPD are no exception, in fact, there are even some very positive traits to come out of it…

People with BPD are often described as 'manipulative' and 'toxic', which is something I, and I'm sure many others, find highly offensive and can be very damaging to hear, especially from professionals. Yes, some people with the condition might have manipulative traits, but so might someone else without. That being said, we are probably amongst the most caring, empathic and compassionate people you will meet. Having experienced such intense sadness and pain gives us a great knowledge and understanding of the people around us, we want to help and share our knowledge, and being as intuitive as borderlines tend to be, we pick up on emotions easily. Yes, the unbearable sadness is a bummer, but what comes from it is beautiful and, for me, its so important to channel those feelings into helping others and being an all round good person.

Borderline Personality Disorder is often confused with Bipolar due to the fact that the intense lows we feel are matched with intense highs, the difference being with Bipolar is that highs and lows can last for up to weeks, sometimes months, whereas with BPD these mood swings can occur several times in one day.

The excitement we may feel about something as small as remembering that chocolate cake you’ve been saving in the fridge can make us feel like we are literally bursting at the seams and bouncing off the walls. The love we feel for our pets, partners, family and friends make us feel like we are floating on a cloud, that intense passion for someone or something can even hurt (in a good way!). Yes, we have abandonment and attachment issues that can cause a lot of problems with relationships, but catch us on a good day and we are full of love that we only want to share with you. Something made you chuckle? We're probably on the floor in hysterics laughing because this feeling of complete euphoria needs to present itself in one way or another.

Of course, as we know, its not all jazz hands and confetti all the time. In fact, these feelings of euphoria will only last a short amount of time and its usually overshadowed by the bad, but its so important to hold on to these feelings and remember we are capable of happiness, even if it is just for 20 minutes before the inevitable crash.

Passion is a huge positive trait of BPD. For me, its what keeps me going, it gets me out of bed in the morning. I am probably one of the most passionate people you will meet, talk to me about musical theatre and you'll have me rambling for hours, its like a release. If you can tap into someone's passion and show an interest, you will instantly see their face light up, their eyes widen, their smile grow as they talk about that one thing in their life that is 'okay'.

I've been told by many different people, including people who know me very well, that as soon as I'm in the vicinity of a theatre, whether it be to perform or to watch a show, I can become a different person - a better version of myself. That’s because it is my one constant, its safe and familiar.

Of course, there are so many things to be passionate about in the world: people, TV shows, music, cars, make-up, animals. I will guarantee you that if you know someone with BPD, there will be something, and if you ask them about it you might just make their day.

I consider myself a very creative person, I like to sing, act, craft, paint…… The list goes on! BPD sufferers are often fairly intelligent people, and with intelligence comes creativeness (in a round-a-bout way). Sometimes its something those who are lucky enough to access therapy come to learn, any kind of creativity can be very mindful and aid in their recovery. In other circumstances its instilled in their make-up as a person. Personally, I have always been creative, as a child I was always making something and getting busy with glues sticks and glitter. Some people throw themselves into dance or drama too, all of these creative outlets are perfect, and you'll often find that someone with BPD is very talented in at least one of them.

I am currently on a waiting list to start a group therapy course called 'Therapy Through Activity' under a team specialising in personality disorders. On this 2 year program patients get the chance to learn new skills, often artistic, whilst exploring their emotions. This' unorthodox' method of therapy has proven very successful in patients with BPD (amongst other personality disorders) and I'm really excited to get started.

Those of us with BPD are not scary, nor are we horrible people. We are just a little more in tune with our emotions (maybe a little too much), and we can in fact make very loyal, understanding, spontaneous, loving, funny, and passionate friends.

A typical day in the life...

9am: Did I even get any sleep last night?

          Am I even awake yet?

          Oh no, didn’t want to read that on Facebook. Ouch.

          Why is everyone flaunting their happy lives in front of me?

          Oh god, it hurts to move

          Come on, you need to move

          No wait, remember that dream you had last night? What does that mean? Did that really happen?

          Oh god, what will today bring?

10am: Give yourself some credit, you're out of bed, time for breakfast

10:30am: I should get dressed

                  Maybe I'll have a cigarette first, somehow it doesn't make me feel better though

                  Brush your teeth, I know its hard, but you need to brush your teeth, you'll feel better

10:45am: OK, you're dressed, make-up?

                  No, make-up is too much work

10:50am: Actually, maybe if I put some make-up on I can go out

                  Yeah, I feel good, going to go to the shops and I treat myself to something nice

11am: Staring in the mirror, make-up surrounding me

11:10am: No, I can't go out

11:15am: Yes you can, you're feeling GOOD

                  Aww, that’s a cute video

                  Haha, funny memes

                  Wait, no, why did I watch that? Why is that not my life?

                  Why am I alone?

12pm: I've not moved for 45 minutes now, everything hurts

            I'm sleepy, might nap

            No its too early to nap, I'll do some chores

            Ugh

            Ugh

1pm: OK cool, got some shit done

          Not much, but it's something

          I feel a little better now

1:15pm: Actually I feel GREAT

                I'm going to turn my life around!

                I am a QUEEN

                YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND YOU DON'T NEED NO MAN

1:16pm: I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life

1:20pm: I am so sad

                Should I self harm?

                No I shouldn't self harm

                But it will make me feel better

                But it will make me feel worse

1:30pm: I've paced the house for 10 minutes talking myself out of this                                                                                       Should I message someone?

                Nah, they won't be able to help me

                Where's a cat?

2pm: It's cool, I'm safe

          Blanket

          Cat

          Netflix

          I. Can. Do. This

2:10pm: Ah, mums home. Company.

                Lunch time, why do I live for food lol?

                Should I have some pudding?

                No, I'm watching my weight

                Hahahah where's the cake

3pm: So sleepy

          Just going to close… my eyes……..

5:30pm: Nap hangovers are the worst

                But awesome nap

                You deserved that

6pm: Big Bang Theory re-runs…

6:40pm: I feel so low

6:50pm: WHY IS THE TV VOLUME SO LOUD

                TURN THE FUCKING VOLUME DOWN

6:52pm: NO CAT LEAVE ME ALONE

                I AM NOT IN THE MOOD

                I'm going to punch someone right now I'm sure of it

7pm: Am I hungry?

          Nah

7:30pm: Bath time.

                Ah, finally time to relax.

                Lol nope

                Who am I? Where am I? Why am I?

                Sad

9pm: This is nice

          Good TV is good

          Aww look at the cute animal!

          I feel good, I am loved, I am safe, I am warm

          I love you kitty

          Give me a cuddle kitty

11:30pm: Approximately 6 mood swings in the past 2 hours

                  Exhausted

                  Night meds

11:35pm: Come on, wash your face

                  Brush your teeth

                  Look after yourself

                  It's easy

                  No its not

11:50pm: Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling

                  Family guy

                  Bed is comfy

                  Bed is safe

                  Scrolling

                  Hehe cute doggy

                  My eyes are burning

                  Thank goodness for Quetiapine

12:21am: ………..